这篇雅思作文能得多少分呢?Some people say that the increasing business and cultural contact between countries had positive effects. Other say it would lead to the loss of national identities. Discuss both side and give your opinion.Current

这篇雅思作文能得多少分呢?Some people say that the increasing business and cultural contact between countries had positive effects. Other say it would lead to the loss of national identities. Discuss both side and give your opinion.Current
这篇雅思作文能得多少分呢?
Some people say that the increasing business and cultural contact between countries had positive effects. Other say it would lead to the loss of national identities. Discuss both side and give your opinion.
Currently, with raising business and international culture connection, people’s views vary from one to another concerning the problem’s effect. While some people argue that commercial activities and cultural contact with other countries may lose our own national identities, I believe that it is more reasonable to say international communication and business are definitely important.
One reason why I am in favor of the view is that conducting business with other countries can promote the development of our economy. Compare with native business, international commercial co-operation can give our countries more chance to develop our financial and bring our native products to the world. Therefore, with this facility, it can give our country a far-reaching effect of economy.
Another reason to support this view is that communicating of national culture can help us to learn more national faith from different countries. Take Olympics Games for instance, all athletes comes from different countries, but they gather together to compete in each match. All of them show their sport’s talent and national faith in the game, which leave an expressive impression. A case in point is that cultural contact helps people learn more skills and attitudes from others, because they can see different opinion from multicultural communicating. Therefore, all these factors may justify the paramount importance of international culture connection.
Those who feel that cultural connection or business co-operation with countries can lost national identity may argue that too many attention of international connection will lead us ignore our own culture and custom. While it is true that we may focus more in international connection, the fact is that only paying attention to world cultural connection and finance cooperation can help us develop our country at a faster speed.
In conclusion, after considering the arguments above, I tend to believe that in terms of rejecting world connection, accepting them is perquisite for developing more productive.

这篇雅思作文能得多少分呢?Some people say that the increasing business and cultural contact between countries had positive effects. Other say it would lead to the loss of national identities. Discuss both side and give your opinion.Current
5分样子
结构上是正确的,但是逻辑思路不顺,举证不太能说明问题
感觉上你背了很多句型,都套用进去,反而忽略了需要表达的东西
雅思作文首先考结构和逻辑,然后考用词遣句
第一段说明观点的部分,concerning the problem’s effect,problem 不是个中性词,本身有负面的意思,而你这里problem 是代指raising business and international ,用在这里就不合适.
第一段的论据基本没有问题
第二段的论据比较无力,增加了文化交流自然增加了对彼此的了解,我觉得你可以说：这样可以增加与其他国家的互相理解,从而更好地通过沟通来解决国际争端
第三段的论据也没有说明什么问题,还是重复经济发展,和第一段雷同,意思上也没有递进.我建议可以这么写：文化交流使得各国文化的不同之处凸显出来,让人们对本国文化有了更深刻的认识.
最后总结的部分,个人觉得还是应该强调,增进国际间的经济和文化往来有更多的正面影响.你的说法还是强调经济,有点偏.